Dear Komugisa, I'm Ashamed of Where I Am

 

The letters shared here are real stories, but names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. If you'd like to share your own story anonymously, I'd be honored to read it.

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A Letter from a Reader

Dear Komugisa,

I never imagined I would be writing a letter like this.

When I was younger, I had a picture of what my life would look like by now. I thought I'd have a stable career, a family of my own, some savings, and maybe even a home to call mine. Instead, I'm struggling to pay my bills. I'm carrying debt that keeps me awake at night. I avoid old friends because I'm afraid they'll ask what I've been doing with my life.

The hardest part isn't even the money.

It's the shame.

I scroll through social media and it feels like everyone is moving forward except me. People are buying cars, celebrating promotions, getting married, and travelling. Meanwhile, I'm celebrating if I can make it through the month without borrowing again.

Sometimes I replay every decision I've ever made, wondering where I went wrong. If only I had chosen a different course. If only I had taken that job. If only I had been wiser with money.

I know I should have hope, but lately I just feel embarrassed.

Embarrassed that I'm still here.

Embarrassed that I haven't become the person I thought I would be.

Embarrassed to admit that some days I feel like I've failed at life.

How do I start over when I'm ashamed of where I am?

— Ann K, 35

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Dear Ann K,

A few years ago, I walked past a tree that looked completely lifeless.

Its branches were dry. There wasn't a single leaf on it. If someone had told me it was dead, I wouldn't have questioned them.

Then the rainy season came.

Week by week, tiny green buds appeared. Before long, the same tree that looked hopeless was full of life again.

The tree wasn't dead.

It was simply in a season that didn't look like growth.

I think about that tree whenever someone writes to me feeling ashamed of where they are.

Shame has a cruel way of convincing us that our current season is our final destination.

It whispers that because you're struggling today, you'll always struggle.

Because you've made mistakes, you are a mistake.

Because you're behind, you've been forgotten.

But shame is a terrible storyteller.

The truth is, every life has chapters that never make it onto social media.

Behind the smiling graduation photos are people wondering if they'll ever find work.

Behind the wedding pictures are couples quietly fighting battles no one else sees.

Behind the promotions are people carrying anxiety they never talk about.

Comparison only lets us see someone else's highlight reel while forcing us to live inside our own behind-the-scenes.

You wrote that you keep replaying your past.

"If only..."

Those two words can become a prison.

Yes, perhaps there were choices you wish you could change.

Most of us have them.

But you cannot build tomorrow while living in yesterday.

The past can teach you.

It cannot hold the pen that writes your future.

I also want to gently challenge something you said.

You wrote, "I feel like I've failed at life."

Can I ask you something?

Did you fail at life...

Or did life simply not unfold the way you expected?

Those are not the same thing.

Your value has never depended on your salary.

Or your relationship status.

Or the size of your house.

Or the balance in your bank account.

The world measures people by achievements.

God looks at the heart.

One of my favourite stories in Scripture is about Peter. After denying Jesus three times, Peter must have carried crushing shame. He had failed publicly. He probably thought his story was over.

But Jesus didn't meet him with condemnation.

He met him with breakfast.

Then He gave Peter purpose again.

Failure was not the end of Peter's story.

And it doesn't have to be the end of yours either.

Starting over rarely feels dramatic.

It often looks like paying one debt at a time.

Sending one job application.

Learning one new skill.

Saving one small amount.

Praying one more honest prayer.

Taking one faithful step even when you can't see the whole road.

Please don't despise small beginnings.

Many beautiful lives are rebuilt quietly, long before anyone else notices.

And one more thing.

You are not behind God's timeline.

You are simply living your own.

Today, instead of asking, "How did I end up here?"

Try asking, "What is one faithful step I can take from here?"

One question keeps you trapped in shame.

The other opens the door to hope.

I'm praying that one day you'll look back on this season—not with embarrassment—but with gratitude for how God carried you through it.

You haven't failed at life.

You're still becoming.

With love,

Komugisa